To the makers of the movie Mimi

First of all, I would like to thank you for opening the dialogue about Down syndrome in our Indian society.  Thank you for showing that a child (in utero) with or without a disability deserves a chance to be born. Thank you for showing the varied reactions parents can have when receiving the diagnosis of Down syndrome for their unborn or just born child, even as honest as having talks of terminating the pregnancy.

I am a mom to a baby boy Laksh, who turned 4 on the weekend of August 1st when we watched your movie on netflix. I was pleasantly surprised to learn of the plot of the movie but I ended up with an ache in my heart to learn that even though the diagnosis was given with utmost surety (the words ‘has Down syndrome’ not ‘may have Down syndrome’ were used), the child did not end up having Down syndrome. The lead actor says, “ Bachche mein problem nahi Nikli but tumhari soch mein nikli” (the child didn’t end up having a problem but your thinking sure did). But the point is having Down syndrome is NOT a problem but thinking that way is.

 If only the child did in fact have Down syndrome and everything else in your story remained the same, it would have been perfect, just like my Laksh.

Post Partum depression

Don’t want to take anything away from the seriousness of what happened with Nima, but it has been weighing heavily on me. Writing this post has been very very difficult for me and I am not sure if i should ever share this but I’m trying to #breakthestigma4nima so please hear me out.

This is a photo of me on 06/06/2020 seconds after Veer made his grand entry. I felt every emotion that I could possibly imagine, I felt happiness, relief, joy, anxiety, fear, excitement and so much more.

I was happy because he was finally here and scared because he was finally here, in the middle of a global pandemic. I remember with Laksh, things we so different because he spent the first two months of his life in the NICU. Tomorrow Veer will be two months old so I felt I needed to share this.

I am not sure what I feel Is #postpartumdepression or anxiety because of the current state of the world. I felt something similar when Laksh was born as well and there was no pandemic then. I felt guilt, I felt anxiety, I felt sad, I felt inadequate, I felt disgust, I felt ugly, I felt like I had failed my son. And I thought I felt all that because he was in the NICU for little over 2 months and somehow that happened because of me.

But by the grace of God, Veer has been here with us every single day of the two months  that Laksh had spent in the NiCU and our boys with be with us forever more, but I still feel these feelings. I still feel like I am not enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel this all the time but I do feel these feelings of inadequacy. I feel anger and frustration and irritability for small little things. I felt shame when answering the questionnaire my OB made me fill regarding #ppd becasue I didn’t want to acknowledge I felt those feelings. That me, an educated person who has her sh*t together is feeling like she is lost. 

But my question is why? Why do we feel the need to hide our mental well being from the world? Why do we feel that we would be labeled as ‘not fit mothers’ if we say we are struggling? Why do we feel shame in asking for help? 

As south Asians specially, mental health is such a stigma and never discussed openly. People throw around the word ‘ I am depressed’ without truly understanding what it means or how debilitating it truly can be. 

Today sharing about these feelings has felt like a difficult but much needed step for me but I’m doing this because I hope it helps someone feeling the same way reach out and ask for help. 

Happy 2nd birthday to my lifeline

Oh where have the last two years gone? It  seems like it was yesterday when I was laying in the hospital bed waiting in eager anticipation of meeting you.

This is your second year in our life my darling Laksh, but you already have succeeded to change our lives and make it so complete and happy. You are our lifetime happiness.  Baby, you are the main reason which makes your mom and dad smile and also in some way the world around you. We can’t resist your sweet charm and neither can the people that come across you. You my sweet angel are a total heart stealer.

I love watching you grow, my sweet little boy. Your personality is amazing. You are so funny, smart, and so adorable. You have everyone wrapped around you little finger, especially your mummy. You are such a narrative shifter and I love that in mere 24 months, you have made such a difference in the way people see differently abled people.

You my sweet baby, rock the extra chromosome so well that it makes me wonder, why did I ever worry about anything. You are my guiding star, my love, my reason for being, and my Laksh. Mummy and daddy hope you achieve everything you ever want in life and much much more. Always be kind and happy.

Baby, we wish you a very happy birthday and we love you so much!